It's one of those days, you know? The days that feel like days, and afterwords come night. Usually when night rolls around, I'm tired and want to go to sleep. I usually do go to sleep, but something magical happens when I re-awake into the world - it's day again!
My dreams and slumber must be a type of sorcery that manages to turn day to night and night to day, or even a short nap can slingshot me into the future in tiny intervals. I'm a time travelling magician and all I need is sleep. I wish I could do that right now, that way the work day can end and I can go home refreshed and happy.
This is not to happen, my powers of sleep are hindered by a force called 'Work' and I am compelled to do this 'Work'. I am on break now, I cannot combat with work forever for that would destroy me. I am a non-confrontational person and right now I don't want to confront 'Work', I just want to use my special magical and travel into the future.
Normally I would be able to use my sorcery and travel through time until work goes away, but this place called 'The Office' seems to be impervious to magic, void of life, and always demanding. It's almost like a prison, almost, except for the fact that there is no time in the yard. Fresh air would feel good right about now.
Well, 'The Office' is demanding me to confront 'Work' once again - So I shall dawn my helmet, jump into my ship and see if I can finally achieve something with this 'Work' force.
Today, today was the most un-eventful day in a long time. At first I was not going to write anything because nothing has happened, but then I decided to post anything, something that came to mind. So I will share with you a bit of good feedback I got today.
I must be learning something at work, which is a good thing, for I action-ed on asking for additional QA resources for our project. This may not be a big thing for most people,but it is a big thing for me. This is the first time I was pro-active on something instead of reactive.
I'm still nervous as this still requires me to leave my bubble, to step up and ask for something needed instead of waiting until my superiors notice and ask me to action on it. Small steps is all I need.
I also managed to speak up and ask questions during both poker planning/ sprint planning meetings today instead of sitting there lost in thought and waiting until later to ask. Next step is to discuss with the Designer of the project to increase the description on the user story criteria so it actually shows design and not ambiguous design hopes. I still have a ways to go to step up/own up and grow into my position.
I have never felt like I have made it into the game industry, yet I have. I still feel like the 20 year old fresh out of college not knowing how to get a job and I think it's because of my contracting company. I never needed an interview, there is really no reward for hard service, the only thing they mostly have to show for hard work is that I get to keep a job.
Until I can get into a place with out being in my current contracting company, is the day I will see myself as a professional, but so far I've been put into temp positions until someone the contractors want fill the position. I guess I feel I will only always be a temporary person. I have the skills to fill the position, but there is something there that people don't want to critique and let me grow. So I sit in a position, do my best to fly a plane, ask how I'm doing, and have the instructor look out the window and say "You're doing good, just keep doing what you're doing" as he hides the fact he is grabbing a parachute and getting ready to jump just in case the real pilot doesn't comeback in time for the crash.
So I find myself filling many different roles, mostly on the same project, never really filling out and growing but pushed out. So it was nice to actually get solid praise, not just a pat on the back saying i'm doing good, but actual solid feedback on exactly what I did that was good. Though I still do not know entirely what questions to ask.
So that is a win for me and that leaves my day a little brighter.
I was sitting there in a meeting at work. Now this was not just any meeting, it was a meeting that did not need me there. People thought I needed to be there, but nay; I did not.
So what was I to do for 2 hours?
Yes 2 hours...
While a was droning and falling asleep, I decided right then and there - I must create my own language and writing script.
And so I started creating the characters which was the basis of what has slowly evolved and grew into grammar and a numerical system. Pronunciations are still being filtered out as what I originally had sounded disgusting and couldn't roll off the tongue.
I have begun to put the entire evolution of the language in a very nifty book.
In this book, I have developed how to write sentence structure, create headings, show dates, and references to nouns. It is still a work in progress.
I've come to the conclusion that I need career advice. I have no Idea as to where I am going and where my heading is. I used to have a goal and a heading, but that was blatantly shot in the foot.
Needless to say, the support group that helped me move up has moved on. Those that had a plan for me and with me have long since left and I am stranded in a position where I don't have my 'Yang'. I am only half as effective without my 'Yang'.
I can clarify about my 'Yang'. That 'Yang' was a co-worker and friend of mine, Mike Palmer. During my early years in QA it was me and him supporting development. We sat next to each other and supported each other. If I didn't know something, Palmer would know and vice versa. We learned our weaknesses and learned from them and so we grew and took on more responsibilities. My weaknesses weren't always my weaknesses as we would share knowledge and fill the gaps in our skills.
Needless to say, he moved into another team and started setting up shop and success there while I moved into a profession completely alien to me. He stayed in his support base and knowledge base, I moved into a position I knew I wanted to go into but had absolutely no idea what I was doing or what was needed of me. I also had no support base. Every mistake was a glaring sore, every under performance was treated and inspected as a bacterial infection. I had no clue that I had no chance and no one took me to the side and told me what I should be doing, well not until it was far too late. I was told I was not allowed to stay in the position then they told me what was wrong and went that was that.
I slaved for hours to the best of my knowledge, being grotesquely underpaid, all in the hopes of being hired full time. This was to no avail. I did what was needed of me then pushed out the door. I moved from QA to Development, then back to QA. I had no real choice. No one was even looking at my resume, I never even got my foot into an interview position. (I can probably blame my crappy networking skills for that.)
I had no choice but to move back into QA, but with my senority and what I thought were my skills sets, I moved into a more project manager position. I may be able to do the job, I like the team, but I have no passion for the position; and this affects my performance. I commonly find myself not knowing what questions need to be asked and sometimes get caught in a reactionary for instead of a proactive form.
Long story short, I need career advice on how to find another 'Yang' or how I can improve without one, because as of right now, I am listless and lost; aimlessly wandering through the position trying not to fail the team. This, some may agree, is not the best situation to be in.
I must remain positive though, and with that note....
I am trying to set goals for myself and in doing so I've learn very valuable lessons.
1 - If the goal results in me becoming accountable for someone else - Example in the office - I get the objective done as I don't want to let other people down or the team down.
2 - Creating goals for my own personal benefit, I tend to let it slide unless I'm held accountable.
I don't know why I do that to myself, I work hard for other people but can't muster the energy to finish anything for myself. I am not held accountable and I need to be. So as of right now, if anyone reads these, I am writing a book and should be scheduled to be finished (ie. first draft) done by end of November.
I can post my daily or weekly updates about the progress of that novel on my "Novel Pending" blog. If there is no updates, try and keep me accountable and send evil emails at me (iantorn@gmail.com) or my twitter (Ian_Torn) calling me out. If I hate disappointing others, shame me and get me back to the work table.
Now for more distractions before I get my nose down to work and earn my 9-5 pay check.
.jpg)
